First vacation after dialysis. Not that cool.
3 lipca, 2024 olahola
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It’s been almost two years since my last vacation. When I say vacation, I mean a trip longer than two nights away from home. While being on dialysis, I never once used another dialysis station. Why? First, having a catheter, I was afraid of catching an infection. Secondly, I would not have been able to enjoy the trip in the back of my mind- restricted drinking, forbidden to eat most things, obliged to go to dialysis every 2nd day. Also, I show you my perspective- tied to the radiator I was not, but go on a bigger trip I decided not to;).
And now what? Well, that’s what I wanted to tell you about today. Surprisingly I’m not excited at all, I’m not counting down the days until the trip, in fact I don’t know if I’m happy(?). I don’t want it to sounds bad, I just feel weird about it. On the one hand, finally freedom, beautiful weather, delicious food, and on the other… Well, just what?
Certainly the stagnation I’ve been in for the past 2 years is affecting my current mood. When you don’t have much room to maneuver, you start to accept your situation, and then maybe you get so used to it that you don’t want to change anything anymore? After all, I’ve been coping with everything so well all this time that, all in all, I don’t need anything more?
I am certainly not afraid to explore life again. Maybe someone will think that, but I warn you that my thoughts are not going in that direction. It’s more just that it all comes down to not feeling the need for new experiences(?). Probably this condition is made more meaningful by the fact that today’s world (and especially what’s on social media) is directed toward exploring, traveling, trying new things, etc. So when you suddenly don’t feel what „everyone else” is feeling, you start thinking to yourself that maybe something is wrong.
Also this one… I wanted to share this because maybe someone has this too. I have received several messages that you are curious about the emotional background of my adventures. So I’m letting you know that I’m feeling weird, that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, and a little unhappy that I’m not enjoying my freedom as much as I should(?).
Oh yes now it still popped into my head. I feel as if all the inhibited emotions during the adventures of the last two years now have the space to come out, to let themselves be felt, to be reminded of themselves. And so I slowly let them come out, try not to put pressure on myself, just observe and give myself time- just like that.
Take care,
Olahola xo
And now what? Well, that’s what I wanted to tell you about today. Surprisingly I’m not excited at all, I’m not counting down the days until the trip, in fact I don’t know if I’m happy(?). I don’t want it to sounds bad, I just feel weird about it. On the one hand, finally freedom, beautiful weather, delicious food, and on the other… Well, just what?
Certainly the stagnation I’ve been in for the past 2 years is affecting my current mood. When you don’t have much room to maneuver, you start to accept your situation, and then maybe you get so used to it that you don’t want to change anything anymore? After all, I’ve been coping with everything so well all this time that, all in all, I don’t need anything more?
I am certainly not afraid to explore life again. Maybe someone will think that, but I warn you that my thoughts are not going in that direction. It’s more just that it all comes down to not feeling the need for new experiences(?). Probably this condition is made more meaningful by the fact that today’s world (and especially what’s on social media) is directed toward exploring, traveling, trying new things, etc. So when you suddenly don’t feel what „everyone else” is feeling, you start thinking to yourself that maybe something is wrong.
Also this one… I wanted to share this because maybe someone has this too. I have received several messages that you are curious about the emotional background of my adventures. So I’m letting you know that I’m feeling weird, that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, and a little unhappy that I’m not enjoying my freedom as much as I should(?).
Oh yes now it still popped into my head. I feel as if all the inhibited emotions during the adventures of the last two years now have the space to come out, to let themselves be felt, to be reminded of themselves. And so I slowly let them come out, try not to put pressure on myself, just observe and give myself time- just like that.
Take care,
Olahola xo
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